Understanding Attachment Parenting: A New Perspective on Raising Resilient Children

As a sleep consultant and parenting coach, I often meet families who firmly embrace the attachment parenting philosophy. Like them, my most fundamental value is to nourish a deep connection with my children, and preserving their emotional (and physical) well-being is always my deepest intention as they grow and experience the reality of life. 

I noticed a familiar pattern with families who claim to identify with attachment parenting strongly. A mighty urge to immediately rescue their child from experiencing discomfort, an itch to soothe and create quiet, as if to say, “Watching you experience malaise creates an unease in me too, and it's unbearable!”. 

This approach conflicts with my belief in raising emotionally resilient, capable children (and parents). It also conflicts with my belief that parents must become fluent and comfortable in *holding space for their children when things get challenging.

By “holding space” during difficult moments, parents convey that discomfort is manageable and a natural part of growth. This approach allows children to develop confidence in their ability to handle emotions and navigate challenges, ultimately supporting their emotional maturity. At the same time, it empowers parents to prioritize the family’s well-being holistically, recognizing that overly focusing on immediate comfort, or centering solely on the child’s emotional response, can disrupt the balance between individual and family needs.

As parents and caregivers, we are the role models for our little ones, at all times. Of course, when things are smooth, but also, and maybe more importantly when the going gets tough. How do we show up when things become difficult? How do we respond to stressful situations? Can we model to our children that we are a source of stability, especially through messy and complicated times?

My Journey: Strength Through Hardship

To understand my perspective, let me share a personal story that shaped how I view resilience in parenting. When I was just nine years old, my world was turned upside down. My mother—the rock of our family—was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. My two siblings, my father, and I were devastated. Mom had always been our source of stability, our pillar of love and life. Suddenly, she couldn’t be that person anymore. Her battle for survival meant she had to step back from our lives.

We didn’t have a choice. Life didn’t ask if we were ready for the challenge—it simply handed it to us. As a family, we had to learn to cope. Although I am not grateful for this tremendous challenge, I can appreciate how I was parented through it and how it shaped me to become resilient, high-functioning, excited about life, and unafraid to tackle potential obstacles.

Challenges, big or small, are unavoidable. From getting a good night’s sleep to dealing with life-changing news, we all must develop the strength to navigate what comes our way. Handling these moments is not a luxury—it’s essential. If we can’t face life’s difficulties, we risk being overwhelmed by them. So why would I want to shield my children from challenges? Why wouldn’t I encourage them to face their struggles and celebrate their successes when they emerge stronger?

The difficulties I faced helped shape me into the resilient, adaptable adult I am today. But it wasn’t just the hardships themselves—it was my father’s parenting- his belief in me. When I was ready to give up, he cheered me on. His encouragement, often overheard in proud conversations with family, made all the difference. Each time I faced a challenge and felt defeated, he would beam and say in his obvious Israeli accent, “Dorit, I know you can do it, you can do anything!”

These moments were life-changing. Though in the moment I didn’t always believe him, over time, I began to internalize his encouraging words when encountering challenges. Today, although he is no longer with me, I can still hear his guiding voice, cheering me on when the going gets tough and proud of me when I rise up to the occasion.

My father didn’t swoop in to rescue me from difficulty, nor did he treat me as a victim of my unfortunate circumstances. Instead, he believed in me, giving me the strength to persevere, and wasn’t afraid to ask me to step up to the plate. He also modeled that role, by being resilient himself and demonstrating how that looks. That belief helped me build resilience, confidence, and a deep understanding of my own capability.

Today, as a mother, I strive to pass that gift on to my children—encouraging them, even when they feel defeated, and showing them how I handle challenging situations myself. And, of course, we make it a point to celebrate together when we rise above a difficult moment.

Connection Without Compromise

One of the core principles of attachment parenting is responsive caregiving, attuning to a child's cues and signals, and offering immediate comfort. While providing a secure attachment is vital, it doesn’t mean eliminating all stress or hardship from our children’s lives. It’s about guiding our children through these experiences, teaching them to navigate life’s ups and downs with confidence while believing in them when they would otherwise throw in the towel.

We don’t need to provide immediate comfort or feel nervous when our kids are crying, thinking they will be traumatized by their challenges. Instead, we can be role models for standing tall in the face of adversity, being confident in difficulty, and showing our children how to handle challenges simply by being an example. First, we need to be okay with challenges if we expect our children to be okay with them. We lead by example, and I feel this is the missing component in how we perceive attachment parenting.

Daily Challenges: A New Way of Building Resilience

Life presents us with opportunities for growth every day, often in small, seemingly insignificant moments. These are the times when we can instill confidence and belief in our children, slowly building their resilience over time. For instance, let’s consider a situation where your child refuses to let dad dress them in the morning, screaming and throwing a tantrum, insisting that only mom is acceptable.

At this moment, it might be tempting for Mom to swoop in and rescue the situation for the sake of peace and quiet. After all, no parent enjoys hearing their child cry or watching them in distress. But what if, instead of mom stepping in, dad gently stays present, and allows the child to experience the discomfort while learning that dad is just as capable of providing care? It’s an opportunity to calmly reassure the child, “I know you want Mom, but I can help you too. You’re safe, and I will help you this morning.”

While the child may resist at first, over time, these moments of challenge help build trust in both parents, teaching the child flexibility and resilience. Mom’s confidence in dad's ability to handle the situation, even amid a tantrum, sends three powerful messages: to the child, that challenges can be faced and overcome; to dad, that he is trusted and supported, even when the situation is tough; and to mom, that she can hold space for her urge to rescue the situation and achieve quiet, without acting on that urge. By not rushing to resolve the discomfort immediately, both parents model the belief that things will be okay and that it’s possible to navigate frustration without avoiding it.

These small moments add up, drip-feeding self-confidence into the child while teaching them that they can rely on more than one person for comfort and care. This process not only strengthens the bond with both parents but also builds the child’s ability to navigate discomfort with increasing ease.

Conclusion: Resilience Through Connection

By embracing these small daily challenges, we teach our children that discomfort is a natural part of life and can be navigated without fear. This doesn’t mean we’re dismissing attachment parenting principles—far from it. We can still honor the deep connection we’ve built with our children, but instead of rushing in to shield them from every discomfort, we show up as a steady, confident presence.

When we as parents learn to hold space for both our children's and our own difficult emotions, we teach them how to process these feelings while remaining connected and secure. This is the true balance of attachment parenting—being responsive and supportive, yet also fostering resilience by showing them that they can face challenges and grow through them. In doing so, we become their anchors in tough times, modeling strength and emotional flexibility, and helping them build the skills to thrive in an imperfect, ever-changing world.

Through this process, we too grow as parents, becoming more capable of becoming that source of stability for us and our families. We strengthen our ability to weather life’s challenges together, becoming the ultimate role model for handling adversity.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this perspective. How do you show up as a source of stability for your family when the going gets tough? Please share your experiences and comments below.

*holding space- D.W. Winnicott (psychoanalyst)