When families initially contact me to inquire about embarking on the sleep learning quest, the question that always comes up is, “Will I need to let my baby cry?” That is a thought-provoking question. I never consider that I “let my baby laugh”. As human beings, we all express ourselves as feelings come up. When we feel happy, we smile, when we feel frustrated, we may get angry or cry, and when something entertains us, we can laugh. These expressions of emotion are natural ways of communication that are part of our physiology. They are not for us to manipulate or control. It's natural for our children to experience a spectrum of emotions in life, each with its unique mode of expression. It is our responsibility to be able to hold space for those feelings and their expressions, while we get clearer on how to help our children meet their individual needs. Our children may be acting out, in desperate need of some physical activity, and without recognizing the need, we may choose to numb them with food and plop them in front of a screen. With this response, we will indeed achieve quiet, but that hardly means that we have met their need.

Lacking a clear understanding of our children's needs and boundaries, we often resort to relying on 'quiet' as a measure of successful parenting, leading us to believe we're 'good parents' without addressing the root needs.

[1]In a short video explaining Dr. D.W. Winnicott’s philosophy and work, we learn about his basic beliefs and theory. “Winnicott was a psychoanalyst and pediatrician in the 1900s, who wanted to help people be, in his famous formulation, “good enough parents”, not brilliant or perfect ones, as other nations might have wished, but just “ok”. If a baby cries in a state of rage, and yet the people around him remain calm and unhurt, this experience greatly strengthens the baby’s ability to see what he feels to be true, is not necessarily real.” When we, as parents, stay calm, focused, and present amid our children's challenges, our body language reassures them that 'everything is okay,' conveying the absence of a real threat. With this solid parental presence and clear message, baby can take the parent’s lead, and return to calm. According to Winnicott, the foundational aspect of parental health is the ability to momentarily tune out of oneself, empathizing with the ways and needs of the small, mysterious, beautiful, and fragile person, whose unique otherness deserves full acknowledgment and respect.

When our children can cry, feel frustrated, get angry, and experience disappointment without becoming responsible for the parent's emotional state, their emotion goes through a [2]natural cycle, with a beginning, middle, and end. According to parenting expert Susan Stiffelman, [3]it’s only when we find our tears, confront the Wall of Futility, and begin to grieve our loss, that we can accept and move forward…One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to help them find their way to their tears when they are frustrated. Tears release stress hormones and toxins; as usual, Mother Nature knows what she is doing.”

Revisiting the original question—' Will I need to let my baby cry?'—we come to understand that such a concept does not exist. Humans cry, and that has nothing to do with whether or not we are worthy of our “good parent” badge. Crying is a natural expression of emotion that need not be interrupted but rather supported with infinite patience and a calm presence. In my opinion, the real question is, “What is MY ROLE, as a parent, when my child is experiencing frustration or difficulty?” This question moves us from being the victim to being the supporter, and that makes all the difference.

[1] D.W.Winnicott- https://psychoanalysis.org.uk/our-authors-and-theorists/donald-woods-winnicott https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaZkvvB367I
[2] Emily Nagoski- Burnout
[3] Susan Stiffelman- Parenting Without Power Struggles- pg. 73