These are unusual days here in Israel. Many families are navigating sirens, interrupted nights, and a lot of uncertainty.
When life feels chaotic, sleep often becomes even more complicated — and many parents find themselves bringing their children into their bed just to get through the night.
So this month’s post about co-sleeping may feel especially relevant.

If listening to others talk about how your family should sleep leaves you feeling confused, awkward, or disconnected from yourself, you are not alone. Few topics in parenting generate as many strong opinions as co-sleeping.

Some voices insist it is the most natural and emotionally healthy way for children to sleep. Others warn that it will create dependency or long-term sleep struggles. Scroll through social media, talk to friends, listen to family members, and suddenly it can feel as though everyone has an answer for what is best for your child and your home.

In the middle of all of this noise, many parents quietly wonder something much simpler: What is actually right for our family?

Over the years, I’ve come to believe that the real problem isn’t whether co-sleeping is good or bad. The problem is that we’re often asking the wrong question in the first place. The more helpful question is not, “Is co-sleeping the ideal sleep arrangement?” The more helpful question is, “Is our current sleep arrangement working for our family right now?” That small shift changes everything.

When we move away from ideology and turn our attention inward toward the reality of our own family system and the feedback it gives us, sleep suddenly becomes much simpler to think about. (I speak more about this idea in my YouTube video on the topic.)  

Co-sleeping itself is not wrong. Choosing a family bed is not a moral decision, and it is certainly not something I am against. Many families begin that way for very understandable reasons. A newborn settles more easily when they are close to their parents. A breastfeeding mom can rest more between feeds. The nights feel calmer and more manageable. In many homes, it truly works, at least for a while. But over time, things can shift.

A newborn grows into a baby and then a toddler who moves constantly through the night. Parents get smashed in the face or kicked in the side and begin waking more frequently. Evenings become shorter because everyone needs to go to bed together. A couple realizes they haven’t had quiet time together or privacy in weeks. Slowly, sometimes very quietly, someone in the system begins to feel depleted or resentful.

This is where it becomes important to pause and ask a different kind of question. How is this arrangement actually playing out for our family right now?

When we look at sleep through the lens of the family system, we recognize that every decision affects everyone in the home. Sleep arrangements don’t only influence the child. They influence the parents, the partnership between them, the emotional atmosphere in the home, and the energy each person carries into the next day. So instead of asking whether co-sleeping is the “right philosophy,” we begin asking more honest questions.

Is everyone sleeping well?
Is anyone feeling resentful or exhausted?
Is the partnership between the parents still getting the space it needs?
Do we have privacy?
Do we have time to reconnect at the end of the day?

In The GPS Within framework that I teach with Rivka Klein, we teach the principle: "If it's not good for one, it's not good for anyone". If something isn’t working for one member of the system, eventually it won’t work for the system as a whole. Families are relational systems. No one is living in a bubble. Every choice we make sends ripples through the home.

Sometimes families begin co-sleeping, and it truly works beautifully. Everyone sleeps well, everyone feels connected, and the arrangement supports the rhythm of the home. But sometimes, after months or even years, the system begins giving feedback that something is no longer flowing the same way. And when that happens, many parents feel afraid to change.

They worry that moving away from co-sleeping might damage the bond with their child. They fear their child will feel abandoned or disconnected. They worry that needing their own sleep, privacy, or time with their partner might somehow be selfish. So even when something no longer feels sustainable, they stay where they are. Not because it is still working. But because fear has taken the wheel.

In parenting, many of our decisions come down to one simple question: are we choosing from love, or from fear? When fear takes the lead, we often stay stuck in arrangements that no longer serve the family. Love might say, “Our family needs and deserves to sleep well. Our partnership needs space. Our home needs balance.” Fear says, “What if this harms my child? What if I make the wrong choice?" Fear tends to freeze us in place. Love allows us to stay thoughtful, curious, and flexible.

Parenting, after all, was never meant to be rigid. Think about driving a car for a moment. When you’re on the road, you’re not holding the steering wheel perfectly still the entire time. You make small adjustments constantly, slightly to the left, slightly to the right, so that you can stay on course. Parenting works much the same way.

What worked beautifully for your family at one stage may need to evolve as your child grows and your family’s needs change. Adjusting course does not mean you made the wrong decision before. It simply means you are paying attention to what the system is telling you now.

There is no universal sleep arrangement that guarantees emotional security, perfect sleep, or the ultimate bond between parent and child. What matters far more is that the family system feels supported, rested, and able to thrive.

For some families, that includes co-sleeping for years. For others, the arrangement evolves over time as children grow and family needs shift. Neither path is a failure. Both are simply families responding to their reality with honesty and care.

So the next time you hear someone confidently explaining the “best” sleep arrangement for children, pause for a moment before absorbing that advice. Instead of looking outward for certainty, turn your attention inward. Ask yourself how your family is actually doing right now. Notice whether your current sleep arrangement is creating ease and flow in your home, or whether something inside you is quietly asking for a change. That inner reflection will always be more valuable than any outside opinion. Because when it comes to your family, no one else can truly know what is right for you.